A Lesson in Goat Marketing

Are you buying groceries on Monday, only to find that you need to go back to the supermarket on Tuesday? Are you finding large holes in your nice Cosby sweaters and waking up with large bruises on your body? It might be time for you to consider selling your goats, because clearly you are not very good at raising them.

I know there must be hundreds of questions running through your mind. How do I cope with the loss of a pet? Buy a cat. Are there other ways to get rid of goats other than selling them? Probably. Can't I just wring their scrawny little necks? Yes, but do you really want goat blood on your hands? Is there even a market for goats? Most certainly. Well, that sounds great, you think, I'm going to take a full page color newspaper advert out in the local paper, sell my goats, and buy a cat.

Sounds like a solid plan. Hone those marketing and advertising skills you learned in the second grade when you sold lemonade on your street corner, but be wary. Much like lemonade stands can attract pedophiles, goat advertising can plunge you into a world of trouble.

By way of Mmegi, comes this harrowing tale of Motsomi Marobela, an academic at the University of Botswana.

Motsomi grew tired of his goats. Maybe they were eating him out of house and home. Maybe they stopped producing milk. Maybe he became lactose intolerant and couldn't bring himself to strangle the goats to harvest their meat. Maybe he just wanted a cat. Regardless of the reason behind it, Motsomi decided it was high time he and his goats parted ways. Naturally, he advertised his goats and went about vetting potential suitors. Two men came by to look at his goats. Two armed men. Upon seeing the men, Motsomi decided that they were not fit for his goats. No deal. No problem, right? Motsomi can just find someone else that will gives his goats the kind, gun-free home they deserve...except now we have two disgruntled armed men, who apparently work for the Botswana Defense Force.

When he told the two men that he was no longer interested in selling goats to them, they told him to accompany them to their office. He drove with the two men in their car from Princess Marina Hospital to Maruapula shopping complex, where they refused to release him.

Goats are apparently a hot commodity.

Upon further consideration, perhaps it is better that you don't sell your goats. Rent them out to a golf course. Or buy a large cat and hope that it eats them. Or strangle them for meats.

Bringing Justice to the Masses

Grab the precious item, ride around a flag as angry men on horseback armed with whips and chase you down, and then throw the item into the Circle of Justice! You've just set the people free!

Justice for everyone!

Sounds like a great game. Who doesn't want justice (excepting the angry men on horseback). But wait, they, too, want justice, just not justice from your circle, for they have their own Circle of Justice.

And so it goes. Two teams on horseback, fighting to throw things into their respective Circles of Justice.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/gideon/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

Oh, and the item is a goat carcass. I think I've found my new favorite game.

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buzkashi

2. http://vlib.iue.it/carrie/texts/carrie_books/paksoy-6/cae10.html

Wind Turbines...

...Powering my Wifi Detector T-Shirt

Urgent: I know that green jobs and environmental friendly solutions are considered to be a booster to the economy and push us out of this current recession, and I am well aware of the need for renewable energy resources. Let's be honest, no one wants to go back to the days before cars, televisions, those electric fans with the spray bottles for those hot summer days, electric tooth brushes, electric or gas stoves (no one really wants to build a fire every morning for that hot cup of coffee), and gas powered pocket bikes. Clearly, oil and gas are a limited resource that will eventually run out (most likely after we rape the shit out of our glorious earth).

Wind power seems like it is a great alternative to nonrenewable energy resources. One strong point in its favor is that wind does not run out...at least that is what I have been told. But, don't buy into all of this goat-hating propaganda. We must put a stop to wind farming. I know that wind is supposed to be safer and cleaner than coal or oil products for energy, but wind farms are dangerous and must be terminated before they catch on as the next major energy source.

According to a recent BBC article, wind farms kill goats. It’s not like the goats are trying to Don Quixote the wind farms, thereby dying on account of their own risks and misjudgments. No. They are being slowly tortured by the noise pollution, leading to insomnia, exhaustion and death . Over 400 goats dead. In some circles, that is called genocide. Please stop genocide and Don Quixote some wind turbines.

Goofy Goat Antics

Back in the days before Technicolor and computer generated animation, there was Betty Boop, Felix the Cat, Steam Boat Willie, and Goofy Goat and his goofy goat antics. Black and white cartoons ruled the theater long before previews were the norm. Something had to capture a child’s interest, because we all know Birth of a Nation certainly couldn’t do it by itself.

Here’s a quick synopsis for those of you who have not see this cartoon (Goofy Goat Antics, 1931). There is a goat in an old, rickety car, who decides to go for a joy ride through town. On his crazy adventure to the glee club, he runs into a cow that can pick his own nose with is tongue and a road hog whose butt makes up the rear of his car (driven by an ape chauffer). Once at the glee club, goat decides to try and ruin everyone’s talent show experience through a series of goofy goat antics, and in the end gets the cute girl animal (could be a goat, but not sure). The moral of the story? Goats are bullies and being a bully is good, because you’ll get laid.

Now this goat short is merely the beginning of goat oriented cartoons to pass by our viewing eyes. All of which perpetuate goat stereotypes. Another of these is the Popeye short, “The Hungry Goat.” The title should be glaringly obvious. And the first thing the goat eats…tin cans. But beyond that, this cartoon revolves around the notion that the goat needs to eat (which is true, everything needs food). However, this goat wants to eat tin cans, but cannot do it, so decides to try and ends its life. The poor goat then runs into a giant battleship (full of metal, which is good for goats, apparently). This wonderful gingerbread palace is open to the goats taking, and he begins to eat and eat and eat…until he runs into Popeye.

I understand the idea behind this cartoon. It takes place during World War II, and metal is important to build ships and stop both the Nazis and the Japanese from winning the war. This short cannot stand for 2 reasons: The first being that it depicts officers as chumps. Well, on second thought, the idea of parodying authority was probably helpful in keeping moral up… The second reason (now the 1 and only) is that the goat is depicted as the enemy. Let us compare here for a second the true enemy (the Nazis) and goats. Goats chew things and look like this (see picture to the left). Nazis butchered millions of people and looked like this (see picture to the right). Any resemblance? (it was the only picture I could find, so just pretend with me for a minute). Comparing goats to Nazis is like comparing glow worms to the Soviets (it doesn’t make sense to me either).

I can understand wanting to prevent the goat from eating metal, which is essential in building large boats from which to smash the Nazis (everyone likes killing them, and if you don’t believe me, play Wolfenstein). However, beating up the goat is not necessary. Give him something else to eat. Like perhaps Nazis. That way, everyone wins. Think about it.

Scapegoat

We all know that when someone screws something up, that person tends to blame someone else. What you may not know is the origin of the word scapegoat. I posses this knowledge, and will pass it along to you. The original scapegoat was a goat that the Hebrews sent off into the hinterlands to atone for the sins of God’s people. 1: a goat upon whose head are symbolically placed the sins of the people after which he is sent into the wilderness in the biblical ceremony for Yom Kippur[1]

Now, this religious motif can be continued into Christianity, with Jesus taking the ultimate role as scapegoat. Interesting that the main figure for one of the world’s largest religions is a scapegoat. Coincidence? I think not. Goats are everywhere.

In the modern English language, scapegoat has become to mean anyone who takes the fall for others.

2 a: one that bears the blame for others b: one that is the object of irrational hostility

This, I feel, gives goats a bad name. When we think of scapegoats, we do not think of happy things. Not many people know this, but there is a society dedicated to raising awareness of the dangers of scapegoating (Someone though of my idea first). http://www.scapegoat.demon.co.uk/index.htm The one problem I have with this organization is that they are missing the most important issue with scapegoating, the simple fact that it is called, “scapegoating.” Does this look like it should take the blame for something it did not do? They should call it a scape-naked-mole-rat. How could you not want to blame that?

Famous scapegoats events throughout the existence of life on earth:

> Bill Buckner: I hate to use a Red Sox reference, but it fit so well, it couldn’t be helped.

> “witches” from Salem, MA, circa the 1690s: Read The Crucible.

> Scooter Libby: I guess he technically could be called a fall-guy, not a scapegoat, considering he wasn’t entirely innocent…

> Poison (the band): For single-handedly ruining a decade. They didn’t do it by themselves, they had help (discussion for another time).

> The Rook: Do you really think it’s his fault?

> Writers, artists, and others circa 1950: Blacklisting and McCarthyism…

> European Jews, homosexuals, and anyone who wasn’t a fascist circa 1930: Pretty self-explanatory.

Granted, there are many more, but a blog post can only be so long, even if it is about the greatest thing on the planet. But I regress. The point of looking at scapegoating is the fact that scapegoat is an offensive word. It’s a dirty word. This needs to change, it makes me sick.

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[1] Both definition 1 and definition 2 are from Webster’s Dictionary: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/scapegoats

The Miracle of Birth

A goat is a mammal, and as such shares the typical characteristics of other warm-blooded creatures. Observe the picture to the right. This is the highlight of this young goat's life (note the small goat hoof emerging from the womb), because from the moment it pops out, things go downhill for the goat. Most likely, this goat is now dead. If the goat is still alive somewhere, it probably is either fenced in or tethered to a post unable to roam the earth a free being.

As depressing as this goat's life may have been, it serves an important purpose. As a human being, the owner of this goat views food as a necessity. For without food, he (or she) will surely die of starvation. This goat, like all goats, served as a valuable food source. Like most mammals, goats lactate. Post-lactation, milk, cheese, butter, and cream can be produced. Side note: Trader Joe’s sells some great brie cheese made from goat’s milk. It is deliciously creamy. Goat cheese is generally a great thing, and works wonders spread on water crackers, or even better, put on pizza with tomatoes and basil. Goat existence is justifiable for the goat cheese pizza alone. When the goat stops lactating, or you just get sick of goat milk products (hard to believe this is possible), the goat can be harvested for its meat. Now, goat meat is a little tougher that most, but when cooked in a curry, it is pretty good. Goat tends to be pretty inexpensive, but it is not served at every normal grocery store. Rather, it tends to be found at the neighborhood grocer, along with pig’s feet and other such meaty deliciousness.

The domestication of the goat is proposed by some to be the earliest form of animal domestication.[1] This does make some sense, based on the fact that goat cheese is delicious, and goats have a wide tolerance for environmental conditions (pretty hearty animals). The article footnoted above, which is pretty awesome, makes the claim that goat domestication lead to the domestication of other goat-like animals (animals that are great sources of food, such as the cow and sheep). The root of all good livestock is goat. Another reason why goats are the best animal, ever.

Let’s get back to the point. Goats are mammals. They give live birth to goat babies. The picture to your left is proof. Note the sack of goat as it emerges from the womb in its full glory. Now, I had the privilege to see a live, in person goat birth. The goat dropped her child standing up like it was no big deal. The goat had a whatever, I give birth to baby goats all the time look and let the small bundle of goat flesh and tendons fall from her body. Now, I for one am glad that my mother did not decide to go through the same procedure as the goat. Instead, she opted for an indoor experience full of machines and people in masks and scrubs running around looking important and busy. Much more preferable to the goat birth experience (although, I guess you can’t knock it until you’ve tried it).

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[1] http://www.pnas.org/cgi/content/full/98/10/5382

There were two young brothers who were the sons of a King. Agnar and Geirrod, who were both around the age of 9, took a boat out on the water to catch a few fish. The fishing trip ended in disaster, with the boat being smashed on shore. A peasant couple found the two young boys and took care of them for the winter. Here begins the Grímnismál. This piece of the Poetic Edda (more or less the Bible of Norse mythology along with the Prose Edda) holds a description of Heiðrún, a goat.

25. Heiðrún the goat is called,
that stands o’er Odin’s hall,
and bits from Lærad’s branches.
He a bowl shall fill
with the bright mead;
that drink shall never fail.[1]

There it is: Stanza 25. Heiðrún the goat creates mead instead of milk, to quench the gods’ thirst in Odin’s abode. In the Poetic Edda, Heiðrún is in Valhöll (aka Valhalla). Here, the goat dispenses mead to the dead soldiers.

The she-goat, she who is called Heidrún, stands up in Valhall and bites the needles from the limb of that tree which is very famous, and is called Lærádr; and from her udders mead runs so copiously, that she fills a tun every day.[2]

Now this further illustrates the fact that the goat is a wonderful animal. A goat that gives you mead is quite outstanding. This brings me to the next piece of goat knowledge. Heiðrún is also the name of a meadery in Northern California. On top of this, the mead is no ordinary mead, it is sparkling mead. Mead, in case you did not know, is honey wine. This flows from a goat’s teat in Valhöll…an endless supply.

In Norway, there is a large oil field on the northwest coast. This oil field, coincidentally enough, bears the name Heiðrún. Mead is very much like oil, it’s shiny and people seem to like it. If you think of the world as a giant goat, the platform would be a giant goat teat, dispensing mead for cars to consume which allows for people to drive to places like Goat Rock and Billy Goat Trail (previously mentioned in past episodes). This supply is not endless, therefore the name is misleading. Shame on you, StatoilHydro. Back to important stuff, like dead people.

Being a dead Viking in a great hall, things probably would get pretty boring. No towns to pillage, no houses to burn, no America to discover, just a big hall of dudes taking about stuff they did a long time ago before they were decapitated by a large sword. This would get a little tedious and slightly depressing after a while. Who wants to hear Venegor talk about the time he made a suit out of one of the villagers he slaughtered in order to tick the next village into thinking he was just a normal villager (which would lure them into a false sense of security, where by allowing for more raping and pillaging)? Well, I would like to hear that story, so that’s not a good example…Eventually, these Viking warriors would get restless, angry, and probably to fight each other…a lot. People would hear about how shitty Valhöll, and wouldn’t want to die in battle (the risk of eternity of boredom too great). So Odin was smart enough to have a goat in his hall to make it more fun, because the goat had an endless supply of mead…genius.

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[1] http://www.northvegr.org/lore/poetic2/index.php

[2] http://www.northvegr.org/lore/prose/049052.php